Remembering and Anticipating

Today, August 17, 2012, marks 3 months since our little boy was born silent and still. In the midst of that time of the most intense grief I have ever experienced, I never knew how life would be again - how I would breathe; how I would survive. God has been so merciful and rescued me from the pit. He has set my feet upon a rock. He established my steps and put a new song in my mouth - Praise to my God; many will see it and fear and will trust in the Lord (Psalm 40:3 - my paraphrase).

In the last 3 months, time has both stood still and moved way too quickly. My mourning has turned to joy. I wouldn't call my son back here if I could, because his home is much too exuberant for me to do such a thing. It's the complexity of a mother's heart - the knowing and wanting. I often gaze at his pictures and can easily squint my eyes to see him as he lay perfect but still. Those hours of holding him will forever be in my heart as precious and dear and painful and sad.

How do we ever come out on the other side of something so tragic? The Lord. It truly is the only answer.

This week I had many doctor's appointments - the chiropractor, the headache doctor, the dentist. I had not seen any of these people since our baby died. In the telling, I was okay and could get through it in a matter-of-fact way - the logistics. But every time when my eyes started watering and my lip quivered, they knew. I wasn't a callused woman, I was a healed woman who will have a bit of sadness always in her heart.

A couple of weeks ago I attended my sister's baby shower. We were due 3 days apart. She is still pregnant with her sweetie and I'm overjoyed for them. I feel like I did well through the shower - since I had already cried my eyeballs out in the driveway while my dear friend, Brandi, prayed for me. Then came my mom's towels. She makes big hooded baby towels and has given me 2 for every child that we have had since she started making them. She was going to make 4, but only needed to make 2. I knew it. She knew it and that fact had bothered her as she was making them. So when Kimbo opened those towels all I could do was stare and I felt myself sort of zone out in my thinking. I immediately started praying - Lord snap me out of this for my sister's sake. He did.

Another dear friend, Tanya, was pregnant right along side of us. She gifted Kimbo with some little Christmas outfits for Jayden's first Christmas. She had also bought a set for herself and for me, which she left for me in a pretty red bag for later on. Some people might question why she would still have given them to me. She bought them for me, for our baby, for her and her baby. Yet our babies wouldn't wear them. Only an amazing friend, who knows you so well, and is walking in loss alongside you, knows that having those little outfits will bring tears and comfort at the same time.

Paige's gift for our anniversary.

Pete and I celebrated 16 years of marriage on the 10th. It was a wonderful day as we served alongside our children at church helping with some projects that needed to be done. We did some yard sale-ing, movie, and dinner. A beautiful day of thankfulness to God for our marriage and the love and life He had allowed us to share for these many years. We have almost been married longer than not - at least for me, since I'm soooo much younger *wink* - 5 years.

That morning we found out some amazing and wonderful news - my womb is filled once again.

We are cautiously optimistic. We are elated. We are sober-minded. I have found myself in prayer more for this baby than with any of my other children. I think that is a good thing - a God thing.

5 weeks

I have increased my folic acid to 4mg, plus the 1mg that is in the prenatal vitamins I am taking. I'm taking 400 mg of prometrium (progesterone), and have also started the Lovenox injections daily. I'm starting to get gaggy and am very excited about that. Long gone are the days when I let morning sickness bring me down. I anticipate it and although there are days when I can't move, I thank God for those reasurrances that all is well.

Baby #9 is due April 19th. Praise the Lord! Praying to the Lord for a sweet precious little one born kicking and screaming in April!!